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DOES THE MOON HAVE YOU DOWN? ARE YOU IN NEED OF SOME DIVINE COSMIC HELP FROM ABOVE? DO YOU HAVE SOME QUESTIONS ABOUT MERCURY’S RETROGRADE AND ITS IMPACT ON YOUR LIFE? RESIDENT DIVINER AND CELESTIAL GURU VANESSA EXPLAINS THE COSMOS EFFECT ON THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS, WHAT YOU SHOULD BE EATING THIS MONTH...IN terms of gas station food

 

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AQUARIUS

Hey whats up its been a hot fricken sec but a girl has books to read and songs to sing/yell and mems to make (not memes….memories) and also typically classes to attend so sorry...but not sorry at all. Springs here though, which is good news because we were all getting tired of the gloom. My suggestion to you this month is to grab a bag of twizzies, your best buds, and to haul it down to the nearest body of water. Listen to this SZA with ur TWZAS, and watch the clouds roll on bye. Paint ur nails with glitter, three coats. Bundle up when you go out, three coats.

ARIES

Cool is the best Gwen Stefani song and music video and I think we could all learn a lot from it. Forgive and forget, lead with love, and go blonde. Some people give in ways you aren’t used to receiving. Everyone comes into your life for a couple reasons, and hopefully a season or two as well. Rito dust is the substance of everyones wildest dreams. That’s why you should carry a small pouch of it everywhere you go and offer it up to passing travellers like magic beans. Listen to this song!

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taurus

Snickering is another way to say laughing. Unclear why you would choose the word snicker over the word brouhaha which surprisingly enough is a very real, legitimate word that somehow no one uses in casual conversation. But hey, what constitutes a real word anyway? All words are fabricated, rooted in logic maybe, but objectively nonsensical. However, words are the most powerful tools we’ve got and if you know how to use them, how to string them together like penne pasta through the preschool arts n crafts necklace that is sentence structure then you my friend have the world at your fingertips. Up your syntax game. Get a word of the month app. Language is nuts, cashews and almonds baby. And it very much may shape our reality to some degree, Sapir-Whorf hypothesis is coo. The Finnish have like twenty different words for snow, because that’s their reality. Also languages with gendered nouns like ok wow. The most beautiful thing that is done in the English language is adding an “n” on the word “a” when it comes before a vowel. An envelope. That’s pretty. You’re pretty. Have a great month.

gemini

How am I going to attempt to draw a far-fetched life lesson from beef jerky? Maybe I’ll insinuate that sometimes it’s good to be tough. To show tough love. To put your foot down when you want the best for someone. Or maybe I’ll say that it’s good to travel in packs. In tightly sealed plastic packs. But I think I’ll just say that it’s good to be dependable, to be the one that people count on. To show up and stay up and give what you can to make sure that those around you are doing well. You have a lot of tools in your toolbox, tools that deal with compassion and patience and insight. Use them well but use them carefully, take care of yourself first. But make the overflow count for something.

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cancer

Buckle up. Ching Shih was this early 17th century Chinese lady pirate who was formerly a prostitute. However she married this pirate lord by the name of Cheng who was living large with this huuuuge fleet of pirate ships. It gets better, Cheng dies and Ching Shih basically figures ok like I am the captain now, so she literally SWERVES her way up the ranks. Then she imposes this strict code of conduct for her pirate fleet, with rules like “Deserters or those who had left without official permission had their ears chopped off, and then were paraded around their squadron.” and “Pirates that raped female captives were beheaded.” but w888 then she like ruled the seas hardcore and destroyed EVERYTHING in her wake and the British, Portuguese, and Chinese fleets were like stop and she was like ok i will but ONLY if you let me retire with my millions of dollars in PIRATE TREASURE and then they were like ok yeah we would have lost miserably anyway. Then she literally just retires and works at a gambling house for the rest of her life, totally financially stable until she dies in peace. Eat a cookie.

LEO

Host a party and make it themed, but let that theme come to you organically. Buy apps, make dips, and a playlist. Put this on it. Wear colored eyeliner. Take your guests coats. Write a sonnet. It’s ABAB CDCD EFEF GG rhyme structure. Collect some leaves and press them in a book that you know you won’t get to for a while. It’ll be a nice lil reminder later. Buy pickled jalapenos. Forget to use them. The great thing about hostess cupcakes is that they’re cream filled. And if you’re gonna be filled with anything other than joy it might as well be cream.

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virgo

You’ve been studying for a hot second. And that’s amazing, you are so dedicated wow. But now you deserve a break. Break me a off a piece of that so-ur cream. That’s right you need to treat the absolute heck out of yourself, which could mean a lot of things. Drinking a margarita? Sure. Popping some bubble wrap? Also sure. Dancing? Absolutely. Live it up and life it out because you’ll never be as young as you are right in this very moment. Which is yet another excuse to wear ridiculous clothing and ask strangers ridiculous questions. Life's a beach and you should be playing in literally everything other than sand. 

libra

Collabs are great, Klondike and Fields, PB and J, Mariah and Miguel, North and South Korea, Dolce & Gabbana and this lit af toaster company. Sharing is caring especially when it comes to sweet fries and ideas that have the potential to positively affect those around you. Link up with your most creative friends this month and do fun creative things with them. Like finger painting and making sushi. Open a donut shop and name it Hole Foods and then burn it to the ground. Play in the ashes. Read this. Wear more stripes and up your lighter karma. Do not fear gluten, embrace it.

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scorpio

There’s something to be said about people who can (stay with me here) do things with their mouths. Like busting open sun seeds or whistling or knotting a cherry stem or beatboxing. Boots n cats honeybee. Call your grandma. Buy your friends art. Wear sunglasses inside. Drink ten times more water than you are currently drinking. Find a porch to lay on and breathe in that sweet summer air, and all those pollens. We aren’t even close to the center of the universe, in fact we are probably coded but you probably wouldn’t believe me if I explained my hypothesis which only uses obscure out of context Elon Musk quotes and scientific concepts that have been dumbed down for me by Westworld. Enjoy your coded reality though.

Sagittarius

GO GET SOME BURRITOS AND DEW AND WATCH THE SUNSET. Ask everyone on your way to the sunset if they are also going to go watch the sunset. If they are not, invite them to watch the sunset. Take yourself along with your sunset ARMY to a high place. Set up camp. Establish streets and an electric system and a small governing body. Dress in all orange and red. Meditate together. Invite the Bhagwan over to hang. Overthrow the Oregon state government. Or just go about your day I guess! Up to you, I feel like you know what you’re doing.

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capricorn

Why are there so many kinds of mint? Pepper? Spear? What’s going on? What am i? Who is you? Capricorns are supposed to be stubborn and uncompromising but I’m a Capricorn and last week I let Madison talk me into eating a whole carrot (terrible excuse for a vegetable) drowned in teriyaki. So I’m truly baffled by this character analysis. Writing Capricorn horoscopes are weird for me because I never take my own advice. Also because astrology is dumb. So I guess I’ll write some advice for someone who is definitely not me. Stop being so hard on yourself, everyone goes through transition periods where uncertainty seems imminent. You should go on a run to clear your head, eat some berries, buy some real nice moisturizer, listen to this, and this, aaaaaand tell your friends how much you love and appreciate them because you can literally never do this enough.  

Pisces

No one likes to be told that they are a gas station hot dog. But since when did a comparison to a gas station hot dog develop such a negative connotation? Gas station hot dogs are given literally the most careful and attentive treatment out of any meat stick I’ve ever seen. The human race has engineered an entire machine used SOLELY for keeping these franks warm n toasty. They are constantly spinning around, being heated evenly from every angle, staying glossy af. Those wieners are are always on the move, always improving themselves. So that one fateful day they’re plucked from that shiny chrome Grand Slam HDRG24 Hot Dog Roller Grill and taken to the holy land, which in this case is the hand of a trucker on I-95. What i’m trying to express here is that self care is so incredibly important. Whether it’s a new haircut or a long shower or a new exceedingly overpriced vintage Backstreet Boys tour t-shirt that is in subpar condition, if it makes you happy and gives you a confidence boost, go for it. Think of it as an investment in yourself. Cause when you feel good you perform better, you hold yourself to a higher standard, and you exude confidence. And who the heck wouldn’t want to be around that type of person? Unclear. Stay glossy.

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