Does the moon have you down? Are you in need of some divine cosmic help from above? Do you have some questions about Mercury’s retrograde and its impact on your life? Resident diviner and celestial guru Vanessa explains the cosmos effect on the only thing that matters, what you should be eating this month.




New year new you right? Wrong. Don’t kid yourself here you’re still gonna be going back to the same old patterns, and same old recipes that you’ve been loving allllll last year. And there’s nothing wrong with that, so don’t get yourself down and do not set unrealistic expectations for yourself. Make some coconut curry soup to get you through the long frigid month that is January, cause thats a fav of yours and hey you like what you like. Chop some onions and listen to Que Te Pedi, cry a lil its ok. Work more ginger into your life, if that means befriending more redheads so be it. Be patient with yourself and the world around you, ask at least two people a day what the best thing about their life is, walk slower, catch a fricken snowflake on your tongue.




Chicken nood man, get nood while you make it haha just kidding or maybe not? Being in the nood while cooking noods can be a very empowering experience. Find time to recognize the beautiful parts about yourself, the parts you probably don’t think about everyday, like your wrists or the way you elongate your S’s or how you’re a little duck footed but not enough to make yourself actually look like a duck. Our idiosyncrasies are the most beautiful things about ourselves. Use the word idiosyncratic in front of your friends and feel smart. Rotisserie chicken is a surefire way to get the dankest chicken noodle soup without exerting that much effort so do that for sure. Start braiding your hair more and buy yourself an expensive bottle of whiskey.




Gemini- Black bean soup

What type of bean is best? Black bean. Why did we even ask, oh yeah we were making a topical yet far fetched Office reference. Watch Season 3 of the Office all the way through again while eating black bean soup. Invite a Sagittarius over to watch with. Make enough soup for them too they’re hungry. Start getting more into tea and start a journal. Write for at least five minutes continuously every day and make sure to note what tea you’re trying, skip oolong tho it’s subpar. Plan a trip to Montreal on January 6th (National Bean Day) and only listen to the song “Hands Up” by Ottowan the whole way there. Bring some soup in case u get peckish in el car.


cancer- potato leek 

Plant some potatoes and some leeks, tend to them as if they were your children. Harvest them and cook them, but like stop thinking of them as your children now cause that would be weird. Start to master the art of baking bread. Read up on yeast. Recognize your place in the universe by learning about the ultra tiny. When your bread is done dunk it in your soup and reflect upon the fact that you just made yourself a whole god damn meal from scratch. You’re incredible. Call your best friend and tell them what you’ve learned from their friendship, send some soup their way maybe. Buy yourself some calla flowers and keep them by your bed, did you know that Venus, goddess of love and beauty felt personally threatened by the calla flower because it was so beautiful? Calla flowers bloom in Jan, so I guess something pretty fricken pretty is gonna come out of this month huh?



LEO- Butternut squash soup

Butternut Squash soup is power move and you my friend only know power moves, every move you make every step you take… a power move. Which is why you should be making a power soup, wear a power color while cooking said soup like red or even better orange. Do more powerful stuff like being the first to start a conga line and putting money in your savings account and getting the first round at Duff. Learn more knock knock jokes. Next Thursday wear all the gold jewelry you own at one time, speak in riddles, drink only red wine, and if anyone hands you the aux play Idris Muhammad.



virgo- split pea 

Split Pea is a really underrated soup. Start your year off appreciating the underrated things in life. Like geckos and split pea soup and the crunch of stepping on fresh snow and swings and Amanda Bynes’ incredible yet short lived acting career and being able to breathe out of your nose. Cold season is coming up and the best defense is loading up on those vitamins and minerals now before it’s too late. Praise be to the pea. Drink more water and start wearing more neutral tones, like...muted greens. Buy expensive shampoo that smells like coconuts and take longer showers, sing more, practice meditative breathing, cover your pillows in lavender oil to help you sleep better at night, eat more sweet fries, call your senators, picture a world at pea(ce) and then think about how you fit into the equation.



libra- tomato fricken soup

One thing remains constant in this world and no we are not talking about Halle Berry’s face (the woman does not age, her body knows nothing of the concept of time) were talking about the fact that tomato soup is a classic. Always has been always will be. Allow more classics into your life this month, classical music perhaps. Close your eyes and try to associate the sounds with colors. Take part in a painting heist, steal a classic and hang it up in your room. Warhols soup cans you say? Great choice and on theme wow you are killing it this year already. Learn to forgive but instead of forgetting allow yourself to learn from the experiences that make you the most upset. Grow inward first. And listen to this stupid amazing stripped down version of Go Gina while you’re cooking.


scorpio- cashew cauli 

Ok listen up this is really important. Cashews are the sickest nut ever, i mean have you ever seen how they grow? Also you can work cashews into literally anything to make it creamier, pasta sauce, coffee, soup, you name it. Do you have a hardcore blender? Buy yourself a hardcore blender you deserve it. Whip it out at parties to show people how hardcore and good at blending things you are. According to this really sus website im using to write these here horoscopes, you, as a Scorpio, have a deep understanding of the rules of the universe which sounds dope. Send me your LinkedIn I will endorse you dw. Use that understanding or any understanding you have for that matter to form a couple pearls of wisdom, things you think are universally true and good and useful. Then share them with the people around you, most especially the ones you love and see great things in. Try to have more faith in others, sometimes all people need to open up is a reason to, soup can help with this also. While you are making the aforementioned soup throw on some James Taylor. Carolina on my mind perhaps. Can’t you see the sunshine? Can’t you just feel the moonshine? Ponder if moonshine tastes like it feels...



sagittarius- French onion

January is your month to start traveling more. Even if it’s an hour south, there are mountains to see and rivers to cross and good sandwich shops you haven’t discovered yet. Let yourself go somewhere with absolutely zero expectations though, actually you know what just try and cut expectations out of your life as much as possible. As soon as you start to expect something just picture a whole bunch of melted gruyere being all oozy n such. That should really just stop things in their tracks. Some may say that gruyere makes the french onion soup, but others may say it’s the sherry because it lowkey gives a real depth to the broth. Behind the scenes stuff is important is basically what I’m trying to say hur. You should start finding scenes to go behind. You should also drink more jasmine tea and start taking more pictures of the moon.


capricorn- pho

Pho sho, pho real, I could go on but I most definitely will not. Pho is arguably the best soup ever because you get a little bit of everything, noodles, herbs, veggies, meat, broth. It’s like a big ol treasure chest. And you deserve some treasure cause its ya birth month! Think about your happiest memory of last year and write a lil poem about it, or paint a lil picture about it. Start to keep a map of the smiles and belly laughs to look back on when you’re feeling melancholy. Because January is a gloomy ol melancholy month. Start working more nutritional yeast into your life also, great on popcorn. Buy more hats, binge Black Mirror, listen to disco, breathe real deep.




aquarius- gazpacho

Just because it is freezing out doesn’t mean you have to sleep on Gazpacho! I mean you can nap on it maybe but what could be more refreshing than a big ol bowl of this stuff? Especially if Ina Garten is telling you how to make it. Did you know that Ina Garten has no formal culinary training, used to work in the White House writing nuclear budgets, and has her pilot's license? Try to emulate Ina Garten, not just this month but every month. Vulnerability isn’t always a bad thing. The trees near your house don’t have any leaves right now but that just makes their branches look more elegant as they cross the sky. Spend more time doing the things that make you feel vulnerable, especially things like getting lattes the size of your face and going to see movies alone. Climb more things because stuff is pretty from real high.


pieces- miso

Miso is so easy and so delicious and so customizable! January can be hella stressful, especially coming back to work or school after chilling heavy for a month or so. So easy soups are the best soups. Celebrate your extra minutes by dancing, salsa if you can tango if you cannot. Do not let the passage of time scare you. A wise man once told me that you should not let your subconscious attempt to bridge the the endless chasm of loneliness that defines the human existence. So tru, don’t do that. Instead let any loneliness you feel well up inside of you until you can’t help but make the most beautiful, heartbreaking, cathartic art you ever have. Then go buy some plant friends and join a book club and a CSA and start going to more trivia nights. Celebrate your extra minutes by taking more busses and trains. Come up with stories about the houses that you see on the sides of the road. Drink some vanilla sprite and call your mom, tell her you love her.



ps: Vanessa does not have any prior astrological training in fact she thinks horoscopes are lowkey bullshit but she loves telling people what to do and what to eat so we just let her go for it here.